besides Harris (1992) observes that "courtesy some cadences fails. . . . some traditionally well-mannered acts (are interpreted) as being patronizing or condescending and . . . separates might resolve to acts of courtesy by feeling patronized rather than gratifying" (p. 1412). Harris' review of a number of studies leads her to believe that "conventional courteous behaviors are associated with traditional concepts of masculinity and femininity, including those that reflect an apparently greater competence and power on the part of men" (p. 1400). Because of this, Harris continues, the get along of courtesy may actually be conditioned on two competing internal desires: 1) to help and show respect for the soul receiving the courtesy; and, 2) to indicate a degree of superiority on the part of the courteous person (p. 1400). Thus, it is no wonder that men, in particular, "are uncertain as to whether courteous actions would be comprehend as indicating good manners or politically false thought" (p. 1400).
Unfortunately, according to Leibovich (1993), the breakdown of the American family, neighborhoods, and church is leading to a more individualistic society. He quotes C
Similarly, shouting matches are rarely, if ever, productive. Indeed, according to Lange (1989), shouting normally indicates that the individual may be losing control of the situation. Instead, Lange suggests that "often the dress hat response to a loud voice is a suave reply. It demonstrates that the member is not losing his composure and may encourage the other party to lower his own voice" (p. 35).
Leibovich, M. (1993, January/February). Is politeness a lost cause? Utne Reader, 55, pp. 138-139.
Ward and Aronoff (1994) assert that compromise or creative solutions are the preferred methods of resolving interpersonal conflicts (p. 55). In order to bring about a resolution, they offer six-spot strategies. First, the actual problem needs to be defined. Second, acknowledge the other person's concerns by restating them. This guarantees that everyone has the same understanding. Third, put considerable energy into debating the issue--it cannot be allowed to degenerate into a personal attack. Fourth, if resolution seems to be reluctant in coming, seek the assistance of others to propose new alternatives. Fifth, the exit may get tough and require a break. permit it sit, and return to it the next day--but don't dump it on someone else. And lastly, how a problem is handled will be remembered for a long time; "think about what you say and how you say it" (p. 55).
When people take away something to say, they will be heard. If you don't take the time to listen, they will predominate someone else who does (p. 38).
Lange, T. J. (1989, January). Cultivating the practice of courtesy. The Police Chief, 56, pp. 35-38.
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